Hubs and I did a no-engagement-at-all elopement. We had never talked about marriage before, and we were sitting in his car talking about various mortgage options, at 12:00 on a Friday night. We were looking at buying a house and had one we wanted. I lamented about the fact that we couldn’t use his VA benefits because we weren’t married and it wasn’t like that was going to happen.

“Why not?” he said.

“It’s not like we’re ever going to get married!”

“I would take you to the courthouse Monday.”

I was shocked. I had been in a long term relationship where I had wanted to do the forever thing with him and he was completely against it. Hubs and I had a bit of a whirlwind romance (I think I asked him to move in with me after we were dating for 3 weeks. When I say the man can cook, I mean it!). We’d only been together for 7 months. We’d only known each other for seven months- my usual modeous operendai was to be someone’s friend for 9 months before even thinking about romance.

We spent the weekend in our underwear playing video games, watching movies, and occasionally pausing the video games to mention pros and cons. He had to work late Monday, so we went to get the paperwork Tuesday. Texas has a three day wait law, so we were going to get married Friday… until we found out we could get an exemption to that by hanging out at the courthouse.

My Mom was with me just because I’d wanted to take her on some errands that morning. If I’d known I was getting married that day, I probably wouldn’t have had her with me. I was in berkenstocks, hand-me-down seersucker pants my friend Kempe gave me, and an old black button-down shirt that I’d spilled salsa on that morning, which had decided to stain the front of my blouse. I was wearing no makeup, my hair needed a washing, and I giggled through the entire ceremony. Herb Evans was our JP and he was AWESOME. He had a great sense of humor and didn’t lecture us, and when we had no idea what to say or do and I started to panick he just said “It does not really matter, honey, you’ll be just as married in 10 minutes no matter which one you pick.” Normally people I don’t know calling me honey make me want to stab them in the eyes, but Judge Evans was really cool, and it was just perfect.

So there we were, no one there but my Mom (who was forbidden from talking), I looked like crap, he’d arranged to go into work late and was dressed like crap, and we only got one picture of the whole thing, which I don’t even have.

I called everyone on the way home, many were shocked and thought I was pulling a prank on them.  I told them we were going to have an ACTUAL wedding on the 4th of July, 2009.

Well, it’s coming up. I’m starting my new job on Monday. Hubs is interviewing for a job he’s been trying to get for two years on Monday. B and Goddess Girl are moving in around that time period. Between three new jobs, two moves, and half my bridesmaids not being able to make it because they have professional obligations they can’t weasel out of, it’s pretty hopeless.

I’ve done crap for planning. I’ve done nothing for budgeting. I know what dress I want (I had the pattern for it before I met Hubs, actually) but I don’t have the time, energy, or money to make a mock up and then make the real thing. Wedding planning seems to be designed to drive people like me away, screeming into the night.

What’s so bad about wedding planning? Stuff like this.

Bridal hair styles must be the best looking hairdos at a wedding ceremony because she is the center of attention and will be remembered forever. It is the day of her life that she has waited for since she was little girl and she’s to make it the most unforgettable affair. There are so numerous additional concerns but bridal hair styles are at the most important. Bridal updos not only have to fit the person but also match the dress, the veil, the wedding colors, the shoes and the whole atmosphere of the wedding ceremony itself.

What the fuck hell is this? I have to match my hair to my shoes? My wedding day was not the day of my life I had been waiting for since I was a little girl. I wanted to get my first car, I wanted to go to college, and I wanted to run my own company. I did all of those before meeting Hubs and none of them involved depending on someone else of my happiness. When I dreamed of being married, that’s what it was- being in a healthy relationship, with kids, and having someone to love. My dreams had nothing to do with a big, expensive party full of waste (I will be damned before I spend $500 on a dress I’m going to wear ONCE) where most of my friends will be uncomfortable.

Here’s what I think I am going to do. I think I’m going to reschedule the  bloody thing for Haloween. I’ll throw a huge party at a nightclub. I’ll have a Zombie Walk towards the venue. I’ll have a cover charge and a VIP room- invited guests get to go to the VIP room where there will be food and not have to pay cover. I’ll have some kick ass drink specials for VIP guests, and all kinds of awesome local performers do their thing.

Ugh. I am just SO TIRED of the pretty, perfect, white wedding thing. I know there are women who love it, but it’s really, really, REALLY not me. I love the Offbeat Bride Tribe but I can’t do all the planning there, either.

Ugh. Just ugh.